forgiven. and loved.

I yelled at my son. and a haunting, deep sense of shame was weighing heavily on my heart as I stared blankly at the bare, white wall of my room two hours later.

few people know this about me, but I yell. once a little girl with shy manners I believe I developed a loud, unflattering voice and a full octave range increase the day both boys started running in opposite directions at the mall.

Sean was sleeping soundly when I scooped him up in the middle of the night and carried him to bed with me. he tossed and turned and groaned, his lips half open, and eventually woke up as if he knew I was watching him.

"I'm so sorry I yelled at you today" I softly whispered in his ear.

"It's okay Mommy, I'm sorry I broke the car" he said, holding out his arms.

we cuddled and talked about animals and rockets and what we want to do when we are big people. our eyes dancing with fun. and quietly fell asleep making spoons and holding hands. grateful. forgiven. and loved.

Comments

[athena]

i can so relate. i didn't know i had a voice until our children arrived. sigh. i hate yelling too.

[Steph.]

You describe that mommy guilt so perfectly here, Irene. I have done exactly as you did before--and felt the same extreme remorse and regret. What I was reminded of by some of my mom friends and my own mother was that no mother can be perky and positive all the time. Every mom has those days when she reacts in a less than stellar way or says things she regrets later. I have many of them.

I guess I just try to forgive myself and do better the next time. I am hoping that before my kids are fully grown, I can have this mothering thing down. And, if not, I guess I will have to pay for their therapy (and my own)!

Hugs to you! This post reminded me of why we connected so quickly with one another early in our blogging experience.

[Melissa]

I think we've all been there!

[ChickenFlicken]

You make all of us feel a little less guilty when you admit your own guilt at being human. One of the reasons I loved blogging so much way back when was because it made me feel connected to people who understood how hard it is to be a mother and to take care of the children we bear. It's nearly impossible, and twins are even more trying than normal. Congratulate yourself for being able to humble yourself to your child and apologize, Irene. That makes all the difference.

[Hundred and one]

You are not alone ... I yell too.

[la vie en rose]

this brought tears to my eyes. i had my own little melt down in victoria secret yesterday. i always feel like such a shit afterwards. i'm right there with ya...

[jenlemen]

late to the post, but wanted to add my confession that i, too, am a notorious yeller. and professional apologizer. hang in there. we are all learning and growing just like our kids. lots of love to you.

[sarah]

I came upon your site a couple years ago. I am a new mommy and so appreciate what you have to share. Thank you for being honest about your mistakes. It encourages me in my own struggles to be the woman I long to be.

[Frenchtobe]

Irene, thank you for your honesty and I feel your pain. I have to constantly work on my patience and my hot temper. I remember the same sinking feeling when I yelled at my children (and threw the remote control on the floor). After giving myself time to simmer down, I asked for forgiveness and they gave it willingly. It's not so bad to let our kids see that we are human. They can learn to ask for forgiveness, too.