forgiven. and loved.

I yelled at my son. and a haunting, deep sense of shame was weighing heavily on my heart as I stared blankly at the bare, white wall of my room two hours later.

few people know this about me, but I yell. once a little girl with shy manners I believe I developed a loud, unflattering voice and a full octave range increase the day both boys started running in opposite directions at the mall.

Sean was sleeping soundly when I scooped him up in the middle of the night and carried him to bed with me. he tossed and turned and groaned, his lips half open, and eventually woke up as if he knew I was watching him.

"I'm so sorry I yelled at you today" I softly whispered in his ear.

"It's okay Mommy, I'm sorry I broke the car" he said, holding out his arms.

we cuddled and talked about animals and rockets and what we want to do when we are big people. our eyes dancing with fun. and quietly fell asleep making spoons and holding hands. grateful. forgiven. and loved.

Comments

[jenny vorwaller]

this is so moving irene, we have all been there in those moments of deep regret in unintentionally hurting loved ones....and no one is perfect, that's for sure. i just know that the important part is mending and moving on, and talking about rockets together. beautiful.

[Elaine]

Dirty secret: I yell too. More than I'd like to. But strangely enough, those kids seem to keep loving me. Lucky, lucky me.

[Chris]

He is lucky to have a mom who whispers secrets to him in the night!

[shaz]

i know 'exactly' the feeling! I do the same thing when I am guilty of the yelling.

[blackbird]

sometimes moms yell.
don't forget to forgive yourself.

[patry]

Parents aren't perfect and that's okay--good even. But I love the way having kids makes us look at our less than perfect self and strive to grow. For them. For love. For ourselves.

[jenny]

i'm so relieved i'm not the only one. i get a lot of encouragement here. thanks.

[Waya]

We all do it Irene, guilty as charge! Sean and Will are very blessed to have such awesome Mom!

[laurie]

this post is so precious i want to wrap it up and carry it around with me. you are such an honest writer -- you inspire me.

[nel]

such a precious, intimate moment...thank you for sharing. Nel

[nel]

such a precious, intimate moment...thanks for sharing it, I can certainly relate.

[phillippa]

irene,
one of the reasons that i wrote you offline, was for your complete honesty about your experience as a mother. exposing yourself to potential criticism can't be easy, yet you let us know the hardships, the sweetness and most of all, what you.FEEL.

thank you from the bottom of my heart.

[meredith]

Thanks for sharing that, I think we all have our regretable moments, but nothing that can't be fixed by saying sorry and cuddling.

[Aimee]

You are a good mom. I admire you. I yell too. I will probably yell at my child someday. Emotions are what drive us, I believe. How can we avoid yelling? Your honestly with your sons is the difference. Some parents yell and pretend nothing happened, thinking forgoten, forgiven. What you did with your son to talk to him like that is so amazing.

Be happy, Irene.

[Marilyn]

We all lose patience with the children in our lives once in awhile...even those of us who aren't mommies. Glad you were able to reach a place of forgiveness for yourself. If it makes you feel any better...I have zero patience (NONE)...the slightest annoyance can turn me into a screaming banshee...and I swear like a longshore(wo)man.

[Charmaine]

Oh, Irene. You break my heart sometimes. We're not perfect. That's what makes us interesting. And your ability to appologize and be forgiven is so crucial.

[Karen]

That's the way to do it, little one.

[Karyn]

it's a marvelous thing to say sorry to a child and ask for forgiveness. i'm sure that's taught your son more than we'd ever know. you're a wonderful mom, irene~

[kristen]

i yell too. thank you for this lovely post.

[krystyn]

I yell too.

I know some say it's okay, that sometimes you need to raise your voice to let them know you mean business, and I think that's true to an extent. But sometimes we yell because we're frustrated and angry and tired and we just want to yell. And that's not the best thing for our kids. Knowing the difference and saying sorry the way you did makes you a pretty awesome mama.

It's a good reminder for all of us.