the deep end of the ocean

children's drawings are openings, portals to other worlds rooted in magical places where sense is a new way of thinking, where thinking is embodied in breathing.

some days it almost plucks out my weeping heart and snaps me up with spectacular guilt. his little soul brimming with too big, too fast, too much, mirroring his sadness, his anger and pain. and I don't know what to do. I pray. I rationalize. I cling to the tiniest particle of smile on my son's face. I embrace, I forgive, I surrender, I understand, I cuddle. I love.

but my little baby still hurts. and it's killing me.

Comments

[la vie en rose]

oh i know, i know. when our chidren hurt it does kill us and leaves us feeling powerless and inadequate.

[o. girl]

Without touching on the half of the argument of whether Sean really is more difficult or angry than most toddlers/preschoolers, I think if you feel like you need help, then you should take him to a psychologist. I can tell you that taking him there may help you more than him and that will be really worth it. He/she may help you to understand Sean.

Good Luck and follow your heart!

[courtney]

I wish I could give you a hug! Bub is going through something very similar. I think they are just trying to find their place in the family/world. I also like to think maybe they are extra smart which can make life very frustrating. I think/hope that this is a stage that will soon be over. Although that doesn't make it any less heart breaking. So when you feel defeated at the end of the day remember you are not a lone and aren't doing any thing wrong! You are a GREAT mom!

On an unrelated note I've been trying to comment on blogging baby but it never works...anyone else having this problem?

[blackbird]

go
get
help.

they are so young...you are so new at this. find a professional that you like (ask other moms, their teacher, your pediatrician) and ask for help.

all I (and I believe you too) want is for them to find their way in the world and be okay - something is making feel not so okay, if it were a sore throat you'd be at the doctor...this is just the same -
a professional person will encourage you and give you the resources to help him be happier.

I write this with love and admiration.

[Chris]

Your sense is to seek the assistance of a professional, and I think you are spot on. Even if all you find out is that everything's ok, he's just going through a rough age, it will be reassuring for you, which can only help him.

*hug*

[kassi]

Asking for help is one of the strongest things that you can do.

[Joy]

Go ask the therapist, Irene. He can help you sort things out with Sean. The earlier, the better.

Perhaps Sean needs some space, perhaps there is that accumulated stress at school, perhaps he wants more time and attention from you, perhaps he wants to be more reassured, and the list goes on... we never know.

I believe you are on the right track, go talk with the expert. He'll help you what to do.

God bless!
P.S. And oh, I don't believe that every 4 year-old experiences the same. Just follow your instinct.

[mama_tulip]

Hang in there. The most important thing is that you love.

[Erica]

wow, that sounds really, really painful...but i agree with everyone that you're doing the right thing by getting help.

it's amazing what depths of pain children can stir up in you, isn't it?

[Ronica]

You are so strong, Irène. You can see--go with the right action. You know. I believe in you.

[Aimee]

Here's a *virtual hug* until I see you in person for a real one.

[cee]

The hard part of parenting. They are all so different, sometimes it is hard for me to believe that my kids can be so different when they come from the same parents, or in your case the same egg.

Talk to your ped about getting help. Hugs!

[melanie]

Irene, I am sorry to hear what you're going through but I believe you're on the right track... hang in there, seek help, have faith...

xoxo
melanie

[mamafrog]

oh, irene. i'm feeling for you. just keep being there for him. like you'd ever not be, but knowing you're on his side can only help him get through this. hopefully sooner rather than later. definitely talk to your pediatrician, they already know you, and if they don't have any advice, they can probably match you up with someone good. sometimes they have the most amazing insights! i wish i could help, i know how terrible it feels.

[booyahman]

of course, i can't speak as if i really know what you and your son is going through. but, Irene, i, too, believe that you know what is best for your children. it's within you. i personally don't like the idea of taking a child to a psychologist or a therapist, because (at least in america) there's a tendency to go with medication as a solution rather than behavioral changes. parents should be the ones to provide discipline and guidelines for acceptable behaviors, as well as teaching them about caring and loving others around them, instead of relying on therapists and medications (as it often happens in america). just don't give in easily to the idea that medicines are the answer; i think people tend to fall into a rut when they go to a therapist... that they think of themselves as "victims" of circumstances or that they are somehow helpless to help themselves without "professional" help.

Irene, i think finding support and getting help and suggestions from fellow parents, teachers, maybe even church people (prayer support for yourself is good too) are really good ideas. or maybe even a child behavioral psychologist who works with children without medicating. your child is a wonderful kid, who has some problems (as ALL children have at one time or another). you are a mother, a VERY good one at that, and because of your immense love for your child, ultimately you are the best "professional" help you can provide for your kid.

i remember from my own childhood that there were times when i'd definitely not obey my mom or dad, causing a lot of mess and trouble, throwing things (even rocks!) at my brother (and even hurting him badly once) and picking fights with him, even tho he was my hyung.... and there was always someone there (in my case my fearsome grandmother) who provided discipline when i wouldn't listen to my mom and continued to act out in anger or malice. but, always, without fail -- my mom would always emphasize to me that she loved both me and my brother the same... and remind me of that by saying that my brother and i were like fingers on her hand. even if fingers are all different sizes and shapes and do different things, if she stubs or cuts one finger the whole hand hurts the same. that kind of story has stayed with me from ever since my earliest memories. i think that such a tangible illustration of my mom's love (with a lot of discipline, firm and scary at times but still with care and love from my grandma) made me come out of my shell eventually.

it'll be alright, you will get through to Sean, and he will overcome this. i believe! be strong, Irene.

[Heather]

That broke my heart, I would feel so sad to and helpless, There are people out there who can help, just talk to every one and anyone about what's happeing, God will lead you to the right person. Hang in there, I know it must be so hard.

[Heather P.]

Sorry your little one is having a hard time. I wish I could tell you, you will feel better as they get older. It doesnt. Just have faith. You are a strong woman and mother, and I am sure he will be fine. He has the best foundation and a mom who loves him, thats all he needs.

[Ninotchka]

(((Hugs))) Irene! Every parent faces this in one form of another. All we can do is try our best to help (or get them help). It just hurts so much when we can't fix it for them, though, doesn't it? Sigh.

[Heather]

I hate that frustration. Speaking as a twin, I know there were times when my mom was truly flummoxed about our behaviour! I hope it can be resolved, Irene! They are SUCH beautiful boys - WOW!

[tracie]

I think half the point of seeing someone about what to do is to get reassurance that you are doing the best you can.
thinking of you